themuddycurmudgeon

found this on craigslist

2008-08-31T13:17:00.000-07:00

sounds like my kinda dude...

Manly Bike for Sale
Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT

Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".
Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)

Poem for East Coast non naturalized New Belgians

2007-11-27T15:02:00.001-08:00

Rain and East Wind this mornin’
Was cold like the North Sea blowin’
Rode through bogs of mud
And also on my run
I bet those dry-boned East Coasters
Won’t think it’s so fun.
I’ll still cheer them on
Instead of spraying beer
Like what happened to Adam Craig
Who bitched and moaned.

Memory lane

2007-11-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

It was back to Kruger Dude's farm today for a post-crusade race and I noticed the numbers were thinner than the muck last week. I still blew but at least I'm consistant. The course was different than in September and I think I'm a better bike rider all around. The question I had then that I still have is why do all these folks wish they were from friggin Belgium? Sure they've done it there forever but why not be proud of bein an American crosser? In 10 years when some American bro's rock the world all season the same turds who want to be somethin else now will say hewas the shit makin it happen back in the day in the USA. This I'll never get.

Final count down to the GP/VH weekend...

Muddy is a Fried Turkey

2007-11-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

Cross season is nearly over. One more weekend of the US Grand Prix where I'll race a supporting race, not the main event. I'm no where good enough for that business. A bro told me over the internet earlyier this year that I should try all the categories I fall under. I've ridden Master 50+, Beginner, Single Speed, etc and have found good qualities in each but the fact is I end up in about the same place no matter what cat I race. The good news is I feel less like a shock when I jog, I can ride faster than I have since I started after the surgery and I really dig this cyclocross thig. it's a good group of folks, some knotheads but for the most part their all cool, well respecting kids having clean healthy fun. There's a internet forum I've been particualry fond of and some good trash talk about dude's bein sandbaggers and tools. It's pretty funny and I've spent way too much time doing that.

I've been hankerin for a fried bird and sweet potato pie for T-day since I cleaned up the diet. I figured a little wouldn't hurt for celebration sake and so it was, me fryin the bird in the midst of the Coho wind that pounds our neck of town. The damned wind kept messing with the fry job though and I ended up with burn marks all over my friggin arms from oil poppin then gettin flown at me as the wind howled. I started trying to clean out the patio last week but with the El-C and Chris's half repair job spread out makin us lookall ghetto I had my work cut out to make room to fry the bird and not burn the place down.

The family dinner is always a show because the kids have to explain thier whoes before being thankful for things like boyfriends not breaking parole or for me not kicking their asses after they tear free cars apart all over the yard and leave Muddy's tools out for every friggin crack head to swipe off the lawn.

The whole family says they want to come to the GP but their gonna be disapointed cuz they think it'll be like going to Woodburn for the races there.

Apples and Oranges is B's to A's

2007-11-13T10:23:00.001-08:00

What a blast the World Single Speed Cyclocross Champs were. Man, I was feeling faster last week than ever before. I am really improving I think at this cyclocross thing. But then I get out there to race Master C on Sunday totally get it handed to me. I've been trying to focus on my own race, my own improvement but am starting to re-think my attitude about sandbaggers. I swear I am faster than last place, but some of those dudes on the front of the race really seem to be stickin it. Plus, I felt like my skills were better in the slippery stuff and I was able to get a good vibe going in the race. Maybe I'm just spending too much time on the cross crusade chat board talkin smack about sandbaggers.

What I do know is this-Watching the A race, Master A race and teh SS WC race, those bro's have another 5 gears that dudes in the lower cats don't even know about. It's insane, in the SS WC race the top bros rode like they had geared bikes in BIG gears too. Crazy. I've tried SS, Master C, beginner and Master 50+ and get it handed to me about the same in each of those cats. Those A racers were handing it to me and all I was doing was watching there race! Insane.

Oh well, the season is almost over and it's a big finish with races in Eugene, back to Krueger dude's farm, then the USGP weekend. For the GP my lady suprised me with a pair of tix to see Van friggin Halen on Saturday night. That's the friggin bomb and I hope to be able to race earlier that day in a way worthy of the band.

MUDDY MACH X

2007-11-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Single Speed Cyclocross World Championships-THIS IS FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!

I wish I could post pics or videos. I think for next season I'll work on my tech edge instead of rising to sandbagger status. Although someday I hope to be called out as one. Anyway, Estacada today, -hot laps -this was friggin awesome.

Dave and Steve if your checkin in, I'll be out there first thing, look for the PTC with the VH blarin'. I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight it's like friggin Christmas. Jeez, if I keep this up I'll be strippin' at the GP in December! If this was only cool 30-years ago!

Full update after tomorrow's WC throwdown.

target audience

2007-11-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

Hot damn I get to race with beginners, old beginners, single speeders and now big guys of all ages! I bet next year we get an Elephant category of 200+ lbs and over age 50. That, I might be able to top 10 at.

So after racin for the cheeseburger lap I watched closely at what bro's were wearing. With all the talk lately of sad, sad bike accidents, traffic engineering and respecting the rules of the road I took a simpler thought of dressing to be seen. What I noticed was alot of teams clothes are generally dark in color. Most have lines that fit right in with other lines such as center lines, bike lane lines, curb and sidewalk lines and even phone polls. Those last three kind of make lines with shadows and such and lead to sort of a TRON look. So my thinking is that racers clothes should contradict the lines created by the riding environment. I'm not saying dudes need flags or to look like clean up crews on the side of the freeway, but designs that create havoc and make people see them. Colors that don't blend in too. Un-Like Blue or green. Portland Velo kit seems to blend right in to alot of other colors especially on sunny days. That Oregon team would be totally invisible along the Sandy river with all the trees and greenery for example.

The best kit I saw was the S&M orange, and I hate to say it but the Zebra suits too. The problem with the zebra stripes is that I would be afraid, very afraid to wear that anywhere that is not a bike race. Cruising up Interstate (Cesar Chavez Blvd?) or in any rural area would be an invite to a Deliverance experience or something out of Pulp Fiction.

Now that said, maybe zebra stripes in different colors instead of black and white or some sort of variation of horizontal lines. I saw some dudes in the Tour of California with argyle. That's what I'm talking about. Most bike racers seem sharp enough in the shoulders to pull argyle off well I think.

Anyway, that's my thought for the day. The big boy race was a hoot but I'm all about making top 30 at the Single Speed World Champs next week. I'm dieting too by only having ice cream OR cookies for desert this week. I've also spent enough time in my day at Timber Park to know that course like the back of a bra strap.

Rock on, Cross effin rules.

P.S. Feel free to comment if you read this. Not sure anyone does.

SS, MB, BMW & OTB

2007-10-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

I'm trying all the cat's I can till I decide which one I suck less at. Today was SS. Back in the day, we had to braze our own canti-bosses on road bikes and dig through bike catelogs like porn to find tubulars for cross.

Today I realized how different things are and how old I am. Like the last time I saw VH at Portland Meadows and realized Sammy in football pants at our age wasn't cool anymore. That was in 93. Like I posted earlier, I gave up on the El-C and got the newest car I've ever owned with heated seats and a CD player. I also bought an i-pod earlier this fall and now have a blog and spend way too much time on the internet. I've gone through more change since starting Cross this year than I have in a very long time. This time however it's technology not inner struggles. I'm just realizing how much of a curmudgeon I really am.

Getting back on track, I set up the old Motobecane for SS. Maybe cuz I miss the El-C, but I had a hoot polishing it up and putting the old simplex gear in the box polished and clean, toe clips and all. Then I roll out past Trojan for Rainier today and see dude's debating weather to ride the Tufo's, Griffo's, Dugausts or whatever the hell other tubulars they have for their SINGLE SPEEDs while leaning against an Audi and MBz. I should have known when I read about how cool CX was in Outside Mag a while back that this is what it would come to.

Anyway, I stood tall at the start and rode a race I was proud of on a bike that is about the only positive connection to my youth I have. These kids on carbon bikes won't feel what I remember on a 531 frame 30 years from now. Carbon has no soul. Ti? I gave up on Lotto when I quit alot of things. I ride what I got and am proud of who I am.

On the other hand driving out I was feelin a bit introspective. I got the good vibes from dudes and ladies at the race. I drove home with a smile and a warm posterior listening to a mix of good rock and roll my daughter burned for me and singin along to Best of Both Worlds.

On another note I've changed my training. Seems people don't like me runnin laps at Glenodeer with a bike on my shoulder. Besides, I'm still tired from the hunt to be totally honest. I cut the jogs to simple run ups and am spending more time on the bike. Can collecting has been huge. I thought it would just be a way to pass the time on long rides. Gas ain't cheap and for 5 cents a pop, people don't get how to save money from one thing to pay for another. This week I did a can ride twice, raced and drove to friggin Rainier on money from other peoples litter and still had $2 left over.

Astoria? Dress like a freak? Don't we do that in spandex at every race?

Horny's hideout

2007-10-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

Kidney punch, Kidney punch, Kidney punch!!!

That's about how the Horny Hide Out felt. That bumpy section was like a bar fight. Funniest part of all was that the farm or resort or whatever you want to call it looked to me like Arkansas church camp from when I was a kid. I read the www.crosscrusade.com forums and hear all the talk about it being a mtn bike course or this or that but all I know is that I'm a better man for racing up that stinkin hill 5 times when everyone esle did 6 or 7 times.

As far as sandbaggers go, I hope to be one someday. I heard a story once about Bob Roll being asked to do a D.A.R.E. presentation and he said something like, "are you kidding? Drugs saved my life!" That's about how I feel towards sandbaggers. They can set the pace and old farts like me have to follow. It's only gonna make me stronger. They'll get bored and move on, I'll just get tougher or keel over and die, but either way, it's my $20, my race and my nearly puking when it's all over so what do I care?

In the Crosshairs of Opportunity

2007-10-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

Like I said in my last post, I rode the Alpenrose course Friday. I've been to watch that one a few times and have my favorite years and favorite course change ups out there. I was fired up, rested and ready to ROCK. Then it started to go all limp on me...

...first, I stop by River City to get some Assos cream and the tall kid tells me some guy named Shrek bought it all. By all I mean the whole effin case and what was on the shelf. At first I was bustin up, Seriously? I asked, Theres a guy who races bikes named Shrek? Then I was just pissed. WTF? What's one dude need with that much crotch cream?

Then...

I get home and find out my girlfriends brother whose been living with us "for a month or two" for almost a friggin year got a DUI. Hmmm, on a Friday at a job where he gets paid cash...go figure. Didn't he move in because my sobriety was "inspirational"? Either a dude's all in or not. And if he aint he's only lyin to himself. The good news was he had a deer tag and Saturday was opening day. Know what I'm saying?

Long story short, it's dusk on Saturday and guess what. I friggin bag one. But like I said, it was dusk. I knew there was no racin for me on Sunday morning. So instead I got a freezer full of meat, girlfriends free loadin backslidin bro out of the house and next week is the Horny Hide Out.

CROSS and deer season EFFIN RULE.

More Cleaning than Training

2007-10-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

Here is the run down of the last week:

Friday- shelled out for a 06 PT Cruiser. It's no El-C but heated seats and a CD player are pretty nice

Sunday-My name is Mud. No kidding. So much mud so few skills! That was a crazy day of racing. Battle at Barlow nothin' try BATTER at Barlow.

Monday-could hardly move I was so sore

Tuesday through THursday- wash race clothes, clean out new car covered with mud, wash race clothes, clean bike, wash race clothes, replace all cables and housing on bike, wash clothes AGAIN!

Today- I finally feal rested enough to train. It chaps me when people train hard because "It's Wednesday and thats waht Vervecken does on Wednesdays." Bull crap. Train hard when your not tired anymore. SO today is it for me. I'll likely drive over to the dairy, ride the course, wash the bike AGAIN, then get ready for SUnday.

-CROSS EFFEN RULES

Letting The Past Go

2007-09-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

That was me on i-84 eastbound just after troutdale and somewhere before Multnomah falls on Sunday. Me with the hood up on the el camino, my beloved EL-C, you in your fancy, new, high efficiency, gutless wonder giving you a "new car smell" high because your all sealed in huffing plastic, glue and fumes that aren't in American built muscle cars and listening to some fancy lad euro boy band.

It goes like this, last week I found $10 under an empty 40 at the park. I saved the cash and decided to get a decent breakfast at the truck stop before heading to hood river for the first real cross race. When i hit the road I gunned it for old times sake on the on ramp and blew a head gasket in the vehicle i've loved longer than any woman has loved me.

Alot went through my head while i waited for the AAA truck and I watched racers go past with cross bikes ontop of there cars. Every one of you bastards looked like a 4-wheeled fist giving me the bird with your skinny seat and extra long seat post sticking out of your carbon fiber cross bike.

I guess i'll sell the EL-C to my girlfriends step son. He's young enough to think that car is cool again, dumb enouhg to buy a car that don't run and ugly enough to have time to fix it because the girls are all scared away by the poor rat's acne.

Whattayaknow?

2007-09-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

Gettin up early to train is starting to wear on ol Muddy. I barely did it this AM, but did it I did. I get to Powell Butte just after sunrise and find $10 next to an empty 40 of Olde English. Sweet!

Kruger Dudes Farm

2007-09-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

Holly Crap! After the race, I took the ;lady for burgers and ice cream. Forgot to wash my face and looked like hell. BUt did I eat. Dang! Got back to the casa around 9, showered and passed out. Got up at nearly noon and ate like a horse again.

I gotta give a shout out to Brooke Hoyer who's website is cool, informational and he answers my questions. -something other dudes haven't done. when i learn how, i'll set my blog so dudes can click to go see his sight. That is if anyone reads this.

I was leary of a cross race with no barriers. All this fettish with being Belgian makes me scratch my head. Do Belgians wish they were from Jersey or LA? Who knows. But the race was good. Brookes advice to try Masters 35+C is my new goal. I'm gonna work my way up from moron to beat on the younger guys -even if it kills me.

Cyclocross is alot different than it was in 1982 but it still EFFIN RULES!

WTF

2007-09-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

It's cooler now. Overcast and smells like rain. I'm fired up so I go do my run around glendoveer golf course but this time I mix it up by carrying my bike on the shoulder for the loop. The hole time I'm dodging fat ladies who keep yelling at me that bikes aren't allowed at glendoveer!

I'm friggin' carrying it! WTF?

Heat Wave

2007-09-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

How is it that I search the web for cross pics to get fired up, I buy tires based on how they'll track in the mud and clothes that will keep me warm in a fall/winter sport, but I'm out jogging in 90+ heat? THis is Bullcrap man! I want some rain, some mud and some epic cross racin'. The only good part of all this heat wave BS is the ladies jogging in Forest Park while I'm riding back into town. When the Van Halen is blasting in my headphones and the ladies jogging by are "semi-good lookin' " I'm feelin good!

CROSS EFFIN RULES!

Jogging as Training

2007-09-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

I've read plenty of other dudes blogs about going from riding all summer to running as prep for 'cross. I'll skip the crap everyone already said about being slow and sore. Too many wussies as far as I can tell.

I go downtown to the fancy running store for a good pair of shoes. I'm ready to shell out for this because I haven't bought a pack of Marlboros in a long freakin' time. I haven't been playing keno at Dotty's or gambling on line since before the double bypass. I've got a little scratch to get back into this cyclocross game.

So the kid at the running shop says my feet are flatter than the Woodburn drag strip. According to him I need these super supportive running shoes that look more like something old people wear. The only saving grace is that they still have laces and not giant velcro straps but orthopedic shoes are orthopedic shoes no matter how you look at it. The kid had me do some jogging in front of the store which got me a little winded. I'll hand it to him though, the shoes feel good. I count those three laps infront of the store as my first day of jogging for cross.

So yesterday I hit Glendoveer at sunrise to do my jog. It's 2 miles around and all soft dirt. I borrowed my girl-friends step son's I-pod and rocked out to Greenday for the 30-minutes it took me to get around the golf course. I learned a couple things yesterday:

#1 I'm slow as I am old
#2 2 miles is a long friggin way to jog
#3 Next pay day I'm buying my own ipod. That thing is friggin awesome. You can actually mix songs from different bands and albums without having to take forever like the old mix tapes. What will they think of next?

enuogh for now,

CROSS EFFIN RULES!

P.S. To whoever posted the comment about hanging at the A-crop; your a wussie and an idiot. There's better clubs in gresham.

The beginning

2007-09-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

Here it is finally, Cyclocross season. It's been a few years since I learned to braze canti posts on my Bianchi and raced Surf City back when Tillford was just starting his legacy, Malone was ending his and Knickman was too young to drink the champaigne he won at Natz up at UCSC.

That of course was before the curses of this world sucked me in. A conversation with mortality put me on the straight and narrow. I'm clean, sober and tobacco free 2 years now and ready for cross!